The secret to hiding tears.
Yeah, as you might have guessed, yeah, the past few days have been quite messed up. The last I posted was on Tuesday night, so here was what happened on Wednesday. Let me see... I watched 2012 all the way to 2 am plus, and then went to bed. Don't ask why I was watching so late. I just love late night videos. Anyway, I went to bed after that, and then woke up at 5.30 am. Yeah, 3.5 hours of sleep only. Anyway, I woke up and packed my clothes for the day, for I had three events to attend to.
Firstly, I went to Toa Payoh Stadium to help an ex-senior pass his NS Napfa. Idiot. He failed, and he asked me to do it for him. I guess I didn't mind, cause I was getting paid for it. 30 dollars plus the number of points I get. So yeah, I did ALL six stations in one do. No inclined pull-ups, just pull-ups. Yeah, it was tiring. Heh. Anyway, I ended at about 10, around that time. And after that, I went to CCK to work. Yeah, immediately. Got scolded for wearing bermudas to work. Haha. Yeah, worked from 11 am to 5 pm. And I had to do the rice and sugar again. Stacking the shit up was tiring. My arms were hurting and I was sleepy already. And even more, I went to dance prac after that. Walked form Lot 1 all the way to CCK CC. I waited there, actually, for an hour.
Then, Irah, Betty and her sister came first. So we took the keys and got into the dance studio. Then I started practicing some new choreography. The song will be kept a secret, until completion, though. Anyway, DD came later on and we started practicing Get Sexy. Yeah, Vogue, you guessed right. The others came afterwards, like Skyle, Ayul, Winnie, Acap and Lina. Then, I left the studio for a while to answer a call. Yeah, went back in and continued practice. Then, we ended at 10, cause we only booked until 10. Yeah. Selynna texted me then and started lecturing me. I was on my own already, tired and sleepy. So I actually just dozed myself into a trance in the bus, forgetting to reply BFFAE.
The moment I went home, though, I started getting rained on by messages. Facebook, MSN and my phone. It was annoying, getting asked and lectured. Then, I told my BFFAE the truth and I expected her to keep it a secret for me, cause I wanted her to understand the situation for me. But in the end, it made the situation worse for me. It felt like I was getting shot at from all sides, even from supposedly-neutral parties. And what was worse was the conference, when CHBW was attacking me too. I stayed up all the way online to 1 am, when my internet got cut.
So, I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep at all. Yeah, maybe I cried. MAYBE. Yeah, I had trouble sleeping, so the next morning, I gave my apologies to the two people I gave my faults on and went to work. Mmhm. Work was even worse. I didn't feel at all in the mood to smile or be helpful. I was pretty much idle, doing what I did and ignoring everything else that happened around me. I left work at 2 pm, overtime-ing again. After that, went home for a while, before going out again to celebrate DD's birthday. I was on the MRT and I actually almost teared listening to 'She's Out Of My Life' by MJ. =_=;
Yeah. The sms said to meet at Lavender control station at 5.15 pm SHARP. Bolded and capitalised. I came at 5.20. Yeah, call me late, but guess what? I waited all the way till 6.15. And then Lina called me to meet her at Bugis instead to buy DD's birthday cake. Yeah, waited till 6.30 pm, before meeting her and going to buy the cake, Coco Express. After that, we went on back to Lavender MRT, and waited till 7.15 for Skyle and Ayul to come. Then Winnie, Acap and Wani. And we proceeded then to this place to makan. It was a hawker center. Not my kind of place, but I ate there nonetheless. Waited for DD, Suria and Amalina to come then. When they arrived, we started eating. I had chicken chop. And it was spicy. ToT
Yeah, after that went to the playground to slack, eat the cake and take pictures, all of which I have yet to get. o.o
Went home after that, and I reached home at 11 plus. I was smsing CHBW then, but I fell asleep. I was too tired. Yeah, I know. Pretty fucked up. I'm pissed at myself too. I woke up at 7.45, when my job was at 8 am. So I rushed off to work, smsing once more on the bus, one long sms. Yeah. Tired me. Today, nothing much happened, really. Work till 2, lunched, met Josh and Daniel for a while, before heading to JP for dance prac at 4. We all met at 4.30, and there were only three of us. Aleen and Mimi didn't come. So, went off at 7, met Josh and Daniel again, after they watched New Moon, then went home.
So, here I am blogging. And I have a new choreo to finish. Heh, ok.
How am I feeling? Well, here's a short summary and list of feelings I've had since Wednesday evening:
Well, I was feeling quite insignificant on Wednesday night at first, though I know she knows why by now. Then, I felt quite lost cause I was tired and was placed in a position that I did not have any say in. And then, I felt stressed out as both Sel and Khai went down hard on me. I didn't want to lie to Sel, so I told her the truth, but I never expected her to tell him too. I got pretty much messed up after that. I smsed her to call me too, cause I didn't know what to do, but she was a bit too late with her call. Yeah. At that point, everyone started shooting me down for what I did. It was like two armies joining together to hunt down a single soldier. Gah. >.<
Yeah, I felt guilty after that. Defending myself only got more words shot at me. And I was tired, so I just succumbed. Yeah, I let myself get shot down. I put down my defences just to stop the situation from getting worse, cause I know that I was already in shit. So, I just went on a guilt streak and apologised to the people I needed to apologise to, explaining myself and feeling quite lost. Cause in the whole event, I lost a lot of things. For one, I just threw away whatever advantage I had in the 'war', and put myself in a hopeless struggle. Yeah, I had no more chance, really, so I just went out and said everything I needed to say, however it may affect me. After all, what more did I have to lose?
So now, I messed up bad, I lost a lot of things. But I've always been resilient and of course, I found ways to make myself feel better.
"One should not be judged by his mistakes, but by what he learns from his mistakes."